Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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