Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Randomize
