gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
