I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
