I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
