He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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