I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
