i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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