and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
