I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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