I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
