if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
