I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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