i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
True but thats because hes a fetus.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
