I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
