"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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