Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
