Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
This is my gift to your gina
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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