you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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