he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
