just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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