dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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