you traded sex for a burrito?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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