He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
