Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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