Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
