Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I can't turn off my feet"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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