Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
