i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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