I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
