i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
