No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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