Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
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