quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
