I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
