Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
