Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
