Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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