i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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