It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize