i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
