Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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