eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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