People in love make me want to vomit
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
