thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
