Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
