Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
