I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
