I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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