If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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