mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize