Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize