Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
