I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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