Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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