I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
