I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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