So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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