fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
