apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize