meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
